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The Fiji Mermaid

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Act I, Scene I

Narrator: For centuries, man has heard stories of the mythical mermaid. A woman with the top half of a human and the bottom half of a fish. And deep, deep, deep in the black of the ocean where no light could shine, the myth of the mermaid is true. And like most truths, it's ugly.


Fiji: All my life

I've only known

Dark abyss

All alone

Maybe there's something out there...


Narrator: This is Fiji. She's the sixth mermaid princess in her deep-sea kingdom. Her sisters were named Viti, Levu, Suva, Rabi, and Vara. Each one was born two years after the last one. In the mermaid kingdom, a princess upon her 16th birthday will get to visit the surface just once. Fiji had heard all about the surface from her older sisters, and she longed to go there. Today was her turn to go.


Fiji: I dream of going out where

I could feel the breeze of the air

See the sun on my skin and hair

It's only way out there


Well today I will go

Dessert or snow

I will see the sky and the stars

out there!


Narrator: Fiji emerged from the water during a terrible storm. As soon are her eyes adjusted, she caught sight of a handsome human prince sinking in the ocean.


Fiji: Who... Who is that?


Narrator: He was Prince Elof. And the sight of his lungs filling up with seawater had captured Fiji's heart.


Fiji: If I had known such attractive people lived up here on the surface, I would have come here long ago! I want to live up hear and never leave!


Narrator: Fiji rescued Prince Elof and left his body on the sand. She then returned home to the the undersea world of the mermaid kingdom, head and heart full of fantasies of living on the land.


Fiji: Now I have seen

the face of beauty

That rythmous hair

Ah, what a cutie


I know that my life

my entire being

belongs on the land

the visions I'm seeing

I vow to be out there!


Out there!

Act I, Scene II

Narrator: When Fiji came home to the kingdom, she was greeted by her two best friends; a fish named Salmon and a wonderfully Jamaican squid named Oistin.


Oistin: 'Ey, girl! How was da surface?


Salmon: Yeah, Fiji! Tell us!


Fiji: Oh, it was the most amazing experience of my entire life!


Oistin: I'm so happy to hear you say dat, because that was the only opportunity you will eveh get in your life!


Fiji: Yeah, about that...


Salmon: Come on, let's go back to the castle so you can tell us all about it!


Narrator: And so Fiji returned home to her five sisters, her father, and her dear old gram-gram.


Oistin: Oh girls, your Majesty, Gram-Gram! Guess who's back?


Viti: Slim Shady?


Oistin: No.


Levu: Arnold Schwarzenegger?


Oistin: Err, no.


Suva: Oh! Salmon!


Oistin: Well, technically yes, but...


Rabi: George from Seinfeld!


Oistin: Okay, think about who it could plausibly-


Vara: Me?


Oistin: Stop guessing. It's Fiji!


Viti: Oh, okay. I'm going back upstairs now.


Fiji: Wait, don't you want to hear about the surface?


Levu: We've all been there, Fiji. It's no big deal.


Suva: I found this shiny fork on my visit.


Fiji: But I saved a human from drowning...


Rabi: Oh, I did that too!


Vara: Cool!


Fiji: But...


King: It's okay, Sweety. Pop-pop wants to hear all about your little trip.


Fiji: Oh, it was magical! I want to live there forever!


Everyone: (gasp)


King: NOOOPE. You're grounded. Let's go to bed now.


Fiji: But dad, it changed my life!


King: NOPE. NO NO NO, UH-HUH. I hereby ban talking from you. Now how 'bout bed, hm?


Fiji: But-


King: No talking!


Salmon: Can she sing it?


Fiji: Yeaaah~!


King: I banish music forever! Goodnight!


Gram-Gram: (shaky and senile) D-did she just say she wanted to live o-on the s-surface?


King: She most certainly did not.


Gram-Gram: When I w-was her age, I t-too wanted to live on the s-surface.


King: Gram-Gram, shush.


Gram-Gram: But it was imp-posible!


King: Oh, yes!


Gram-Gram: Because I didn't have the l-legs to w-walk on the land.


King: Exactly!


Gram-Gram: And I died trying.


King: Well, no...


Gram-Gram: But b-because you're my f-favorite granddaughter, Titi...


Fiji: Fiji.


King: No talking!


Gram-Gram: I'm going to g-give you this m-magical potion! Anyone who d-drinks it will g-grow legs instead of fins!


Fiji: This is a bottle of perfume.


Gram-Gram: You're dern right it is! A-and you can't have it unless you p-prey it from my c-cold dead hands!


King: Gram-Gram, go to sleep.


Gram-Gram: Okay. (snoooooooore)


King: And Fiji, remember. You are forbidden from going to the surface, it's biologically impossible without legs, and why would you even want to leave the ocean? Oistin, why don't you sing that song of yours about the water?


Oistin: You banned all music, your majesty.


King: I KNOW WHAT I BANNED, NOW SING.


Oistin: Why would you want to go

Where der is rain and snow?

Sun will shine and will wind will blow?

Down here is far more cool.

It's just like a giant pool

with giant fish who swim in stool.


In da wateh

Oh, in da wateh

Splash in the lake of ole Titicaca!

Who cares if up der is fun?

Honey, you'll skin will burn in da sun!

Stay where it's dark

And dangeh will lark

Stay in da wateh!


Why would you live on da surface?

The wateh is where it's at!

On land, all life has purpose

Who has time for dat?


Up der it's hotteh

You'll freeze in a da wateh!

All in all,

you'll have a ball

In da depths of da wateh!


Da land is nothing but trouble

Our life is in a bubble

And when our bubbles pop

We float to da top

And rot on da surface!


In da wateh

Oh in da wateh

Just be Daddy's lil' daughteh!

Sure der grass is greener,

but da people so much meaner

Stay where it's dark

And dangeh will lark

And if you survive

to age twenty-five

You'll truly be blessed

Though life is a pest

We took care of dat

Cause where you are at

Is stuck in a da wateh!

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